Chapter 22
My Marriage
"After a seven-year research of the subject, I saw that its success rested on compatibility. For my marriage to work therefore, I had to find somebody on all-fours with me on the fundamentals of life: equable mental faculty, educational background, ambitious, visionary, good temperament, objective, open-minded, humble, hard working, patient, persistent, reliable, and so on. I cast my net wide in the search for my type-cast partner. I was interested in marrying a Christian by practice, not a Church-goer. I disregarded the geographical barrier."
My Visions of Marriage
As with all other aspects of my life, my marriage - from courtship, which lasted a total of seven years, to the wedding - was the product and execution of a clear vision. Let us therefore take a journey to my marital life. This again is in keeping with my promise somewhere in the early part of this book to reel out, ample life-changing information that would make my readers' lives better than they were when they began to read this book.
Let me begin by saying that I had a clear mental picture of the kind of marriage I desired. I was long aware that marriage is a very serious affair. I knew that it went with responsibilities and that a failed marriage would invariably destroy an otherwise organized life beyond redemption. I was close to God Almighty during my youth, and recognized that the greatest danger a young man faced was pre-marital sex, which was a potent snare for the unwary youth. It came as a ready weapon in the hands of desperate girls intent on nailing down their careless preys. So I abstained from it because I did not want to become a father by accident. Besides, I had been well taught biblically that abortion which might result from unlawful sex is a serious sin and bad. The consequences are bad all round for the young father that might have impregnated the girl, the girl herself (for that child might have been the only and best child destined for her), the innocent child life is terminated, the society as a whole which may have just lost a member that would have advanced its cause and, above all, it is a sinful blight before God.
I had grown to recognize the difference between love and sheer emotion or infatuation. I also knew that love isn't blind, rather it is people who make or construe it to be blind. I knew where to find these facts of life. The word of God is rich and all-encompassing and I was careful to align my feelings with what the Bible says. I enriched my understanding with the teachings of my Church and added my common sense.
In reality, I had the wisdom of the practical case-studies of the lives of my parents, my siblings, my uncles, nieces and my friends. I read a lot of books on marriage issues and discussed marriage openly.
After a seven-year research of the subject, I saw that its success rested on compatibility. For my marriage to work therefore, I had to find somebody on all-fours with me on the fundamentals of life: equable mental faculty, educational background, ambitious, visionary, good temperament, objective, open-minded, humble, hard working, patient, persistent, reliable, and so on. I cast my net wide in the search for my type-cast partner. I was interested in marrying a Christian by practice, not a Church-goer. I disregarded the geographical barrier. The girl I was looking for was to be my alter ego! If I found one, I believed I would be at peace with myself, my immediate and my extended families, my culture, my town, my religion and other variables of life. If I was not careful, any hasty decision would ruin the beacons of my academic and religious pursuits. I wanted a girl who would understand me and take me for what I was. I wanted a truthful girl, not a selfish gold-digger. I wanted a girl with whom to share my innermost feelings without any foreboding of betrayal!
Above all, I wanted a godly woman who saw and took life any way it turned out and who forged ahead honestly, regardless of fruitless and un-ending argumentation and disruptive nagging. Also, I wanted a girl who chose good company and was not overly fixated on her so-called bodily beauty. Yes, I have eyes for both physical and character beauties, which are rare and very difficult to find in a girl.
To be able to do all these, I had resolved that I must stay with God, acquire a sound educational background and be holding down a good job before looking for the girl of my dream.
Confessions About My Pre-Marital Life
The issue of pre-marital relationship has been a topical one and will continue to be so through eternity. One of the greatest challenges facing man is how to hold his body. The sexual drive in man is so strong that an average man is crazy about sex (and will continue to be) whether married or single. Regardless, the truth about sex is that it is easy to sermonize about on the pulpit and blame people who fall into its trap for being abnormal. The reality is that the sexual drive in man is about the greatest temptation a man faces. Maybe the next temptation after sex is the craze for money, followed by power. In such a situation, man is then faced with temptation all his life. He generally has an insatiable pressure for sex and that pressure virtually drives him mad! No man, except perhaps, one with a dysfunctional sexual organ, is exempted.
Now let us examine the life of this writer.
The question is: was I like an angel as far as pre-marital relationships were concerned?
No. Not at all. I had conceptual indulgencies of sex like any developing youth. I was not close to the celestial bodies at all! So I was in no way superior to other people: I got to the bends and crossroads like any other person.
But my general outlook, shyness, the constant drumming of the word of God around me, my strong-cum- what people called my humble disposition and, above all, the special grace of God saw me through temptations that fostered pre-marital indulgences.
As I already hinted, sweet as this might sound, I must admit still that there was no way I could have passed the test of our Lord Jesus Christ in Matt. 5:28 which states,
“But I say to you that whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart”
Surely, I must confess, I did that in excess!
Secondly, I was a regularly willing and relishing messenger sent to girls by randy seniors. So I had opportunities to do like those who sent me on such errands.
Thirdly, I was lured and encouraged to try fornicating by peer warnings that I could die pre-maturely if I did not do it. It was also said that boys who did not have sex were more susceptible to stomach problems. Actually, I had stomach problems but I did not die.
Fourthly, I witnessed my friends doing whatever they liked with girls and I was sometimes invited to join the indulgent club. I felt like doing it but the gnawing knowledge of the Word of God and the full awareness of the consequences inhibited any lustful cravings that burned in me! So even when I had clear opportunities to do it, I could not, because fear paralysed me.
Lastly, the only option which appeared to me to be the only available means of holding my body together, to my shock, was considered 'unclean' by the Holy Bible:
“…When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh,
because of his issue he is unclean” Lev. 15:2b (KJV)
.”…And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him,
he shall wash all his flesh in water and be unclean until
the even.” Lev. 15:16 (KJV)
This happened to me times several times such that I was always wet. Again, this meant that as many times as I experienced running issues, that I was biblically unclean but, thank God, the Bible did not say I sinned for there is a clear difference between being unclean and sinfulness!
Based on my experience, unless a man wants to deceive himself that he can remain pure above the age of 25 years or so, I think my postulation in my book “This Thing Called Marriage” that a man should get married at 25 years of age or at the worst at 30 years is well founded. Failure to set a time-table for marriage can lead a man to frustrations and can affect his spiritual life adversely!
I suffered Physical and Psychological Defeat!
The worst of it all was that I felt guilty, uncivilized, inferior,
psychologically depressed and deprived at that time. It was a most harrowing and tempting period of my life.
So where did my righteousness lie on this issue?
Chapter 23
Time Up for Marriage
"One day after our teachings, I went to visit Benedict but he was not at home. However, I met a ravishing and petite lady. Her focus on her studies impressed me very much. She was Benedict's private student and not part of our general arrangement. She was so riveted on the book she was reading that she could not hear my loud knocking at the door until the third racket I made forced her to finally look up. She had been buried in the pages of her Economics text-book and I had observed her awhile before I started knocking on the door. She impressed me indeed."
As the Bible says, there is a time and a season for everything. So it was that my time to look for a wife was due. I did not embark on it, however, quite willingly. My mother had been asking me grating questions. She wanted to nurse my children and she felt I was old enough to marry. She sang it aloud and in the secret. I heard her praying loudly about it. Her carryings-on did not hasten me unduly though. Whatever she felt about my maturity did not help what I could do at my age. Preparedness to shoulder additional responsibilities was more important to me. While mother and I agreed that marrying was desirable, we disagreed on its timing.
External Influence
My attitude to marriage was largely conditioned by a piece of advice that a colleague of mine had been given by my Supervisor, one Mrs. Yvonne Anibaba, a West Indian, married to a Nigerian.
My colleague had desperately sought a wife by all means and even tried to hook a particular girl-friend through impregnation. It didn't work; so he came to our office to narrate his experiences to Mrs. Anibaba, whose advice he sought. Mrs. Anibaba's response was, “… (you seem to be too desperate about marriage. This can lead you to wrong judgment. If you approach grown up girls without success, then try the unborn!”.
I rather took Mrs. Anibaba's advice personally and was for ever sold on the need to plan well ahead for marriage and not to limit myself only to the mature girls but also to the younger and pliant ones. In fact, at the time, I had met some grown-up girls but who were unsatisfactory.
I considered the positive and negative sides of courting a young girl. We would grow into our chosen way of life together and I would be part of those who would mould her life. I would be able to study her nature, acquaint myself with her family background, her vision and all that can be expected of a serious girl. I would be able to sound her out on fundamental issues I had earlier enumerated. It was also a given expectation that since I would be older than her, there would be a natural flow of respect from her to me.
On the other hand, dating a young girl could be a long drawn-out affair in which I might have to wait until she completed her education. She might change her mind along the way or her parents might have a different agenda for her. In either situation, I might be forced to begin a new search or contribute inconveniently to her up-bringing.
Yet, I decided in favour of courting the young and gave myself five years to find the woman of my choice. The five-year period was to enable me court aright, whoever came along the way. I was prepared to court one girl at a time but would not waste too much time terminating unpromising relationships.
Where Would I Marry From?
Where to marry from was a knotty question I had to resolve. As a Christian, of the Christ Apostolic mould, we knew we should not be unequally yoked with anybody outside Christianity. In fact, such a liaison would not receive the Pastor's blessing. That message was clear in the Biblical authority of 2 Cor. 6:15, “And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?”.
So we were taught thoroughly how to avoid marriage with any other faith, whether animist or whatever.
So my search began among the CAC fold: in my Church, especially amongst the Choir, but none met my criteria, as the few girls there were either too young, illiterate, crude or uncouth. Then I tried girls from other denominations. The first attraction was a girl from Edo State. She was beautiful, good-mannered and of the Catholic faith. She was also studious but I elicited that she was tendentiously materialistic in nature and our focus appeared not to be identical. She was ready to marry immediately but I had doubt that we were operating in the same frequency. So I bowed out.
The next girl was also beautiful from either Edo or Delta State. It took me two years to woo her. What attracted me to her was her strong resemblance to my maternal eldest sister, Florence Fehintola Ibitoye. We attended the same Secretarial School together and at the end of two years, I was able to secure an employment for her. After this, her personality changed and she became very demanding - wanting everything to be done posthaste. I did not like a hectic life, so I bowed out of the race again.
How I Met My Wife
As it were, I was third-time lucky. I had two very close friends: Mackaiva and Benedict. We also had a fourth friend, Iyabo (now Mrs. Abe). The three of us, who were male, organized extra-mural classes to assist some schoolmates who needed help. We did it at no cost to the students. As would be expected, girls were pre-dominant in the arrangement and among them were Stella, Justina, Iyabo and Victoria with only one boy, Asimiyu. We taught them secretarial subjects to our utmost level. Mackaiva handled the Shorthand speed class while I handled the theoretical aspects of Shorthand as well as Office Practice, Secretarial Duties and English Language. Benedict taught Principles of Accounts.
One day after our teachings, I went to visit Benedict but he was not at home. However, I met a ravishing and petite lady. Her focus on her studies impressed me very much. She was Benedict's private student and not part of our general arrangement. She was so riveted on the book she was reading that she could not hear my loud knocking at the door until the third racket I made forced her to finally look up. She had been buried in the pages of her Economics text-book and I had observed her awhile before I started knocking on the door. She impressed me indeed. After our mutual greetings, she informed me that she too was waiting for Benedict. That was my first encounter with the girl who was (destined) to be my wife.
Afterwards, when I met Benedict, he told me she was Munirat (later changed to Mary after our marriage), a younger sister to Iyabo who was both our friend and Shorthand student. My initial interest was to get her to join the students we were assisting. We did, and during her studentship, I confirmed her sterling qualities. But, frankly, it never occurred to me to consider her as a prospective wife because she appeared too small to be toasted!
However, I had become very close to Mary's family through her elder sister, Iyabo (Mrs. Abe), that I had a clear idea of their type of family. It was this reality, coupled with the 'toast-the-unborn' theory of Mrs. Anibaba, that raised my consciousness to considering Mary in amorous terms.
As I never dated two girls at the same time, I had to call off my subsisting relationship with my grown-up girl at the time. Then I went ahead to bare my honourable intentions to Mary. That was the point at which our courtship began - some three decades ago from the time of writing this book (2005).
Although she later changed her name to Mary to reflect her (new) Christian faith, she was born into a Muslim family and, by rote, worshipped God in accordance with her parents' religious practice. Her original and Muslim name was actually Munirat. She belonged to the Muslim Students Union set-up and was very regular at the mosque to worship Allah.
Mary's Characteristics
Mary is by all means (stature, height, face, complexion and as I later got to know, character) a duplication of her mother! On one occasion, because of their sameness in everything, thinking it was my Mary standing by the well in the frontage of their house, I had beckoned at her but because of the non-sensitivity to my gestures that drew me to closer examination of my object, it dawned on me that I was beckoning a bigger fish than my net could contain - Mary's mother!
On the outside, her beauty, especially her face, always brightened my day. I admired (and still do), her sportlike (or call it bow)-legs. Her smile which exposes her well set milky teeth sparkled (and will for as long as we live continue to sparkle me up!).
On the critical issue of who she truly was, Mary's disposition revealed her as a very humble girl. During our various extensive discussions, I found out that she cared for all, notwithstanding the extended nature of the family or its texture. I saw in her the spirit of unity, somebody who would care for all strata of the family, one who was ready to build rather than destroy.
Even though she was then a Muslim, I saw the humble nature of Jesus Christ in her. She was not rigid about religion. She later on confessed that she preferred Christianity, to which her heart was attuned but she had a dilemma, having been raised from Muslim background to convert to the former. She feared that she might face opposition from her parents.
Her Conversion Dilemma and our Debate
But this was the genesis of Mary's dilemma - that her loving parents might resist her switching over to Christianity, plus the strong fact that in the Muslim Students Society, where she was very active, the Imam emphatically forbade Muslim girls from marrying Christian boys in order not to go to hell fire. And Mary did not want to go to hell-fire!
We had to resolve this religious hindrance or obstacle between us. After praying together for God's assistance, we examined our two religions - both of which preached love, peace and salvation. Their fundamental differences concerned the right path to salvation and the unique foundations of the two religions. Since she was mature, I urged Mary to read between the lines herself before making up her mind. I also urged her to pray for God's guidance in making the right choice. We agreed to fast and pray in the interim and let the matter rest for some time.
Indeed we met again and advanced our discussion. As God's time was always the best, we agreed there was sufficient reason to work on our relationship in order to become one flesh.
Our Initial Fears
The question of whether my prospective father-in-law would oppose our union agitated our minds greatly for the visible and solid facts we faced. My father-in-law's first-born daughter, Aminat or Iyabo (Mrs. Abe) had got married to a Christian. Her husband, like me, was an Ekiti-man: I, from Iyin-Ekiti and Mr. Abe from Ode-Ekiti, and, most importantly, Mary (then Munirat) had been the most devoted Muslim amongst my Father-in-Law's children at that time. I just could not contemplate his reaction and disappointment at losing her again to the rival faith.
We Dread Marrying the Ijebus or Egbas!
On my own side, after I had had a fair idea of who I was courting, I had to play down the Ekitis' known reluctance to marry from amongst the Ijebu and the Egba whom they thought were fetish and did not value marriage, judging by the failed marriages in which they had been involved or conjoined.
However, in our blossoming relationship, I found Mary to be highly objective as she weighed the merits and demerits of all issues before taking any decision. These observations I duly conveyed to my parents and siblings for their digestion. There were mixed and cautious reactions. My mum had been very objective on her part. I recall some of her words thus: “Even though we are afraid of the Ijebus' and the Egbas when it comes to marriage, I know you would have given a deep thought to these fears before you decided to marry from their midst. Besides, you must have studied the girl concerned and her household very well before venturing into that family. Whatever is the case, I know that my Lord will not allow you to make a mistake maritally”.
To back up her position, my mother requested for Mary's name and she took it to her Church and other Churches for prayers. She reported back that ours was going to be a good relationship. She told me the do's and the don'ts of my Mary and I marveled at the depth of her very clear message. She predicted that Mary would be a very nice and dependable woman in marriage but one who would not tolerate certain things at all. When I asked to know what she would abhor, Mum said the revelations were for my ears only. That's why I cannot reveal them here. Suffice it to say that parents can be very useful indeed and I am guided in the way I relate with Mary by those revelations. It has been the reason why I deal with her as transparently as is humanly possible.
Even though I was not residing in my biological father's house at the time but I sought his opinion. His reaction was that he had enough goodwill to ask for any girl of his family-choice from any other family in Iyin and that he was confident that he would not be denied that obligation. However, although he was afraid that I intended to marry far away from Iyin, he respected my choice, and, as he believed that, the girl must be good, he prayed that the Lord would back me up.
In the light of the comments and observations of my nuclear and extended families, I cleared their doubts about inter-clan marriage and the Muslim-Christian dichotomy; whereupon, they gave me their blessings to marry Mary.
Mary's Educational Worries
After completing her secondary school education, she had fruitlessly sought admission into tertiary institutions for three years. She wanted to read Accountancy at the Lagos State Polytechnic but the only admission she got was to read Insurance. She did not like it and would not accept it. Meanwhile she had started working as a Typist with the same Polytechnic. That was the stage our relationship thickened.
Is She Ready for Me?
At a stage, I was ready to marry but I didn't think Mary was prepared for that. Should I call it quits? I asked myself.
Finally I had to table my intentions before her. Did she fancy me as a future husband then? I thank God I did put the question to her. I did so one evening when I told her that I truly loved her and that I had reached a make-or-break point in my desire to marry. After analyzing the situation, we agreed that it would be unreasonable to expect me to wait for some three or four more years for her to complete a polytechnic or university education. We therefore arrived at a compromise: we could get married but her academic advancement could still be undertaken in the marriage later. I promised to support her when the time came.
Will Mary's Parents Agree?
We had one more battle to win: to convince her parents about the soundness or reasonableness of our plans. We agreed that the battle was hers to win. She did and their response was favourable. I was surprised, because the ease with which we got their consent did not bear out the initial weight of our fears. The victory was a pointer to the fact that God was at work in the relationship.
A False Prophesy
On or about three years before our Marriage, I had a dream. In that dream I saw myself before a prophet. The prophet wore a white garment, and a white cap similar to those worn by the Alhajis. His height was about 1.3metres, dark in complexion with slightly protruding eyeballs. In the dream, he revealed to me my past, from birth till the very day I visited him, which surprisingly, tallied with what it was. He spoke about my future, most of which tallied with the prophesies foretold my mother by a Prophet (whom I did not see myself) about me as far back as 1965, which mother and I had believed. However, he moved straight to the issue of my impending marriage. He spoke at length about my would-be partner's qualities. But at at the end of his prophesy,he said something about her I disagreed with strongly which I forgot when I woke up.
Chapter 24
Our Wedding
I Meet The False Prophet!
"I was persuaded to join the on-going prayers too. I knelt down and it went on for a while. After what seemed to me a pantomime, the revelations began to come. My story from birth to date was retold. My supposed future was revealed. All the revelations tallied, of course, with all the previous ones I narrated earlier."
In real life, I was not given to visiting prophets or seers for whatever reasons. I consider those who do, confused people who risked being infused with the spirit of fear by which they subsequently become subservient to the false prophets who take control of their lives.
I had so much faith in God that I did not and still do not believe that I must consult anybody by way of what amounts to divination. I am also aware of the Bible passage which encourages every Christian to 'test out' so-called prophesies before accepting them.
However, by fate, I was brought face-to-face with the prophet I dreamt of three years earlier! At the time, 1982, I had bought a brand new Volkswagen Beetle Car with registration No. LA 3008 SF. I was no longer mobile, and was anxious to know everywhere. I had visited places I fancied and in company of my brother, Ajiboye, had visited virtually all parts of Ekitiland. On one such adventure, the Abes and I visited Olumo Rock in Abeokuta which is the Abes' home. Mrs. Abe was to be our guide and we fixed a particular Saturday to do so, in the company of one of their neighbours.
After first touring the township, we went to the Olumo Rock. What fascinated me was that Abeokuta was comparatively big, with a beautiful landscape that looked more like Ekitiland in its rockiness! Then, one of us wanted to visit someone and I gladly drove us to the place. It was a one-storey building but the man we visited lived downstairs. Behold, he was a prophet dressed in a white robe with a white cap on his head and about 1.3 metres tall! He welcomed us in the midst of other people that were already there. The man that followed us was the first to kneel down before the prophet. He enquired as to whether someone (a contractor) had been paid money for the job he did! I was surprised by and displeased greatly with this attitude. I became uncomfortable. The prophet confirmed that the money had been paid but postulated what would follow after that. He then stated other conditions that would make the man return to him.
The next persons that sought the prayers were my own people! They too got their own portions of revelations and conditions. But it was obvious to everybody around that I was not impressed at all by the seeming chicanery. However, to save the growing embarrassment, I was persuaded to join the on-going prayers too. I knelt down and it went on for a while. After what seemed to me a pantomime, the revelations began to come. My story from birth to date was retold. My supposed future was revealed. All the revelations tallied, of course, with all the previous ones I narrated earlier. BUT he added that the original profession that God had ordained for me was soldiering and that if I had joined the military, I would have risen very high and received an anointing for power and authority!
I had no problem with that for, by my nature, I always work with military dispatch and precision once I am convinced of what I am doing! He moved gain to the issue of my would-be partner. He said she was pretty, of a good character and she would turn out to be a very good wife. Although she would bear me children, she, being an “emere” or “ogbanje” (familiar spirit), would surely die after her third child! I then reacted spontaneously by declaring that my Jesus whom I serve did not promise me such a fate, which declaration the prophet's quick concurrence settled! Seemingly alarmed, Iyabo (my sister-in-law-to-be) asked him what to do to avert the looming calamity. The man promptly reeled out a list of items - a cock, black soap, etcetera - everything amounting to N120.00 then for an atoning sacrifice!
But I was very much aware of what the Bible says about false prophets who tell you things that will create fear in you and so bind you unbilically to them! So I was decided not to do or follow his prescriptions.
God Reminded Me of My Previous Dream!
I confess that while the visit lasted, I did not remember the dream I had three years or so before. It never crossed my mind at all. But as we journeyed back to Lagos, precisely in the front of the Aro Psychiatric Hospital gate in Abeokuta, I suddenly recollected. I marvelled at the preciseness of my dream: how I had also accepted all what the prophet had pronounced until he said something contrary about my would-be wife which had forced my awakening then! So it was again, and a voice within me then recalled, “that is what I showed you years ago”. That finally severed any further connection with the quack prophet.
We Got Wedded
As earlier foregrounded, having involved them extensively during the long period of courtship, my parents' consent for our marriage was a rubber-stamp and Mary and I forthwith proceeded with our traditional wedding!
As I have exhausted the car loan with which I performed my traditional wedding, I had to defer any other method of marriage-Church or Registry till a later date. The opportunity for the latter only came up towards the tail end of year 2005! That was another set-back caused majorly by poverty but thank God for ‘reversing the irreversible’ concerning my marriage!
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