Chapter 25
Building Our Home
(Unhealthy Beliefs and Tendencies and
How We Resolved Them)
"Prayers are a good, preparatory ground but practical steps are needed to wade through concomitant challenges that litter the path of the voyage of life. Our house was not going to be an exception to such experience. Indeed, we started on a very shaky ground. I had thought, mistakenly too, that I had fully and completely understood the nature of my wife in our seven-year pre-marital engagement. I was completely wrong!"
Alleluyah that, at last, the right woman seemed to have arrived for me. But we were still young in this relationship called 'marriage'. However, I have always held the view that no matter how compatible a couple might seem, for their union to succeed, they must put in a deliberate effort and preparedness to build a happy home. Their ability to FUSE together will determine the extent of their success.
Prayers are a good, preparatory ground but practical steps are needed to wade through concomitant challenges that litter the path of the voyage of life. Our house was not going to be an exception to such experience. Indeed, we started on a very shaky ground. I had thought, mistakenly too, that I had fully and completely understood the nature of my wife in our seven-year pre-marital engagement. I was completely wrong!
Some fundamental issues capable of tearing our marriage apart soon reared their heads. Let me explain them, seriatim, and how we dealt with them.
Unhealthy Beliefs and Tendencies
Soon in our marriage, I gradually discovered through her utterances that Mary was full of so-called old wives' tales, in which delusion she anchored a lot of her outlook of life.
First, she believed very much that a woman could do without a man. Second, she believed in the necessity to acquire much personal wealth to be able to stand on her own if the need arose. Third, she did not like what she called 'the partiality of God' which gave man total authority and control over the home to the disadvantage of the woman who was seemingly left with a minority voice. Left to her, a woman should be able to impose her will like the man does in the home. Besides, she as a working class woman, should also not shoulder alone the home management. Alternately, the man should do the cooking, wash the dishes and dress the babies while the woman relaxed any way she chose to in contented relief.
As these reflective attitudes unfolded, I knew it was time to re-engage her as my student for a long-term training session of re-orientation to reshape or delete the wrong notions or personal philosophy, which she had developed over time. I was not interested in the source of her mis-beliefs but in being her agent of change. My concern was that, if not tackled resolutely, her considerations would reduce her perception of the marriage institution from being sacred. When a woman validates such an approach to life, she will most likely become materialistic, arrogant and end up as a divorcee.
That scenario was not and is not my understanding of marriage. To me marriage is sacred. Marriage is a “till-death-do-us-part” partnership. A responsible man cannot do without his wife. Likewise, a responsible woman's affection for her husband should be boundless. Marriage should be seen as highly honourable for a woman. To say a woman is living with her husband should mean that she is submissive, responsive and responsible. An unmarried woman is most likely to be an unstable woman. The absence of a man in a woman's life is a big vacuum that is repaired only by the presence of a man in her life! On the other hand, a wife is a check on the excesses of her husband and, vice versa; either of them living alone is prone to unacceptable degree of tenderness with grave consequences. The issue of instability can become generational because children brought up under such environment will display such features in their own lives and may not attach a high premium to the durability of marriage.
Gradually, I began to insinuate my views to my wife at every opportunity and made her to realize the need to be totally committed to me as her husband. Of course, the Bible was my principal recourse as to what marriage should be.
Because of our compatible nature which enables us to discuss issues amicably and extensively and her inherent ability to listen and be reasonable, her former views have drastically and happily changed wholesomely as to what a true marriage should mean to a couple. The result is that we have achieved happiness. Not only that, Mary is part of the endeavour that produced a book on marriage. She had contributed a whole chapter entitled “40 Ways To Lose Your Wife” in my publication, “This Thing Called Marriage”. This degree of collaboration confirms in no small way that we are flowing together as a good couple should.
Mary Switched Off!
As idealistic as we may appear, I have already stated that we are not cut above the ordinary run of individuals, except that we work hard not to lose sight of God's eternal way. It is why it may not be too ironical to state that inspite of all that I have said about my Mary, there was a particular period, again, in our marriage that she developed a serious anxiety. Our marriage was between nine and twelve years old. Mary had become highly emotional and very difficult to please. It was like she had uncertainties which she could not figure out. She was aggressive and nagging and no amount of persuasion and openness on my part could reassure her. While failing myself to solve the mystery, I intensified our family devotion. She said “amen” to all the prayers offered but it did not alter her baffling character, even when I counseled her till as late as 2 a.m. almost every day.
At a point, I was affected by her deteriorating attitude. Her joy had been my joy, her sadness mine. But God controlled my temper so I was only disturbed but not angry over the situation.
The pregnancy of our last boy, Olatunbosun, was incubated within this stormy period of our marriage. To aggravate the already bad situation, her elder brother's wife who had recently given birth to a baby boy died. I was hobbled with both having to get Mary back to her real self and simultaneously consoling and condoling her entire family over the recent death in the family.
I was therefore worried for her psychological disposition in her own pregnancy and the fear of a miscarriage or complications to her health during delivery. I was on tenterhooks.
At a stage, I changed tactics of therapy. I had proceeded like a Pastor before, then I became both a Research student and a teacher. I consulted many available books on marriage in the attempt to diagnose Mary's problems and discover a redeeming solution. Daily, I verbalized to her, like a town-crier, my assurance that she would establish herself in my home, and that I cared for her. I assured her of God's unwavering support and love for her and recounted our enthralling past. I recalled vividly the beginnings of our love and how we had successfully managed our initial, teething problems. Our prevalent situation was not different, I assured her. Above all, God was in absolute control.
One night about 2 a.m., I woke up to find Mary sitting on the bare floor with tears running down her cheeks, I quickly jumped off our bed to her side but her mumbled answers to my questions were lost in her tears. I was troubled to my marrows. I helped her back to the bed and began a fervent prayer session while laying my hands upon her head. After all the prayers, I re-assured her repeatedly until we were able to go back to sleep.
Mary Recovered
In the end, my research eventually revealed that it was not uncommon to have such a crisis period in a married woman's life and that the abiding medicine for such condition was CONSTANT REASSURANCE by the spouse. I applied this recommendation and added prayers to it. It worked and finally Mary regained herself again!
Chapter 26
My Mother-In-Law
This is about the right stage to comment briefly about my wife's parents.
My mother-in-law was one of the most reasonable mothers I have ever come across. Naturally mothers have first knowledge of their daughters' love life, including issues of marriage. Through my early relationship with Iyabo (Mrs. Abe) and her husband, I had an easy link-up with my mother-in-law-to-be. Thereafter, she took me as if I were her own child. She tutored me early enough on what to do to avoid the wrath of my father-in-law to be. She gave me freedom to access the family, as often as I wished, partly through my good friends, the Abe family. In this way, I was able to appreciate her deeply.
The greatest contribution she made to my marriage was shielding me from any attacks during my courtship. For over 20 years of our association until her death in August 2003, I never had a moment of regret with her as my mother-in-law. Madam Amudalat Ayinde never intruded in our marriage as some mothers-in-law do in the guise of so-called 'love'.
As much as possible, she distanced herself from our day-to-day relationship. Rather she prayed for us unceasingly. On the few occasions she visited us, she was usually very brief and would come in as early as 6a.m. with cooked food and gifts for her grand-children. Within an hour or so, she would be gone. Like my mother, apart from praying for us, she always expressed her deep appreciation to us for the little we were able to offer her for her comfort. Happily, she never witnessed any quarrel between Mary and I throughout her life! May her gentle soul rest in perfect peace. Amen.
My Father-in-Law
I had been warned of how hot tempered my father-in-law could be. But I thank God that he had admitted me into his family-fold without any prejudices. My father-in-law, Pa Ayinde Buraimoh, was however uncompromising about one thing in a man's life: that he expected everyone to strive to have one's own roof over one's head as soon as practicable! That expectation became a limiting factor to the frequency of our visits to him because he would not listen to any excuse for the delay in building our own house! Whenever we were with him, it was his recurring question: what were we doing to acquire a property. He confessed that his worrying attitude in the matter was informed by his great suffering as a tenant.
Early in our marriage, the question troubled us greatly because we had no acceptable answer and it made him unhappy. However, as time went by, God met this need in our life - we bought a land eventually! Thereafter we became freer in our meetings for a while and his question changed to: how far had we gone with our building project? Again, this question seemingly threw a spanner into the frequency of my visit to him. This was not because I did not appreciate his concern but I felt he had been driving us too hard. When God eventually made it possible for us to lay our building foundation in September 1989, it restored more comfort to our relationship. Even though the house was only roofed in April, 2004, before then I was already able to face my Daddy's questioning anytime I visited him.
To shed more light on how close I was to him, I was to be among the first couple of 'his children' to know the location of his new building site in his home town Abeokuta. Like my mother-in-law, he has appreciated very much the little that we have been able to do for him too. He prays for us always and anytime I have visited him, I have had to sacrifice the whole day for it because our stories would begin from where we stopped on the last visit, as a prelude to the next story! I must not decline his refreshments which are always surplus for me. That is my Daddy, Pa Ayinde for you, and the fact that he has remained a Muslim and we Christians, has not affected our mutual relationship in any way. It has been such with my parents-in-law that my wife and I have preached to and prayed for them without creating acrimony.
His Other Wife
Pa Ayinde's home is a polygamous one, like my own father's house. He had two wives. Therefore I am used to living peacefully in whatever environment I find myself - whether polygamous or monogamous. My resolve has been to treat my wife's step-mother like my mother or as my direct mother-in-law. Thank God, I have a wife who is sensible, perceptive and agreeable. She goes along with me in whatever is good. So, we've cared in our own little way for my step-mother-in-law accordingly and she has ever gladly reciprocated our gesture with love. I have no fears sharing her repasts and we relate in-depth freely with her children too. That is the climate of relationship I enjoy - an atmosphere of peace and love wherever I go, as with my in-laws' entire household up till date.
My Wife and Her Siblings
I have hinted elsewhere in this book that all of us (including my wife and her siblings) somehow resemble facially. I was therefore not surprised when Pastor Lawrence Osagie (now a Bishop) of Powerline Bible Church particularly drew my attention to that fact in the appearance of my wife and I. At another time, a female colleague of mine, Roli Okome, on seeing us together, walked up to me (after my wife had left), apologized for posing a seemingly patently foolish question and asked whether our culture permitted us to marry our sisters in my place! When I asked why she enquired, she replied, “your wife and you look so much alike”!. Such reactions have continued to dog us, as a result of which I have since developed some notion that Mary and I might be related biologically, howbeit, distantly!
Ironically, Mary and I are also similar in character and basically share the same views on some major issues of life. That's apart from our mutual fondness, a relationship that has enabled our children to be close as one big family.
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